7. Time to Yourself

"His disciples came and took the body and buried it; then they went and told Jesus. Now when Jesus heard this, he went and withdrew from there in a boat to a deserted place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. When he went ashore, he saw a great crowd; and he had compassion for them and cured their sick. When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, 'This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.' Jesus said to them, 'They need not go away; you give them something to eat.' They replied, 'We have nothing here but five loaves and two fish.' Matthew 14: 12-17

*****

What a day--

Loaves and fishes

and water walking.

But what mattered most was what happened

just before.

You learned your friend, John, was dead--

his whole life

a premonition of yours.

You needed to be alone with your thoughts,

and you found a deserted place

to get away

But a crowd gathered

fearful and hungry

so you fed them.

You sent the twelve off fishing

and climbed a mountain

for some peace,

some reflection,

but a storm rose

so you walked out on the sea,

and calmed it down.

But I'd like to think that--

later that night, when you took your sandals off,

set them to dry by the fire, and, not one to waste,

ate a late solitary supper of bread and fish

from a basket of leftovers--

that you had a little

time to yourself

to grieve for him

and to grieve for you.

On that night, you had to be thinking

that your time was coming, you knew

it was time

to reveal

Your divinity.

But I'd like to think that, for a while,

that awful night

You allowed yourself a few moments of solitude

and a chance to just cry

like a man.