36. Heartsick, Knowing

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14: 1-2

*****

We think we're the ones who must furnish a place and

we move the sorrow in first,

a big, awkward couch into the dark living room

lumpy and gray

never questioning its place there in the center.

We move it in first

then try,

after the fact,

to make room for the delicate table lamp

hand-painted porcelain

that we remember, too late,

was yours

although we don't have it,

or you,

anymore.

But we lie uncomfortably

in the dark

heartsick, knowing

your lamp will have no place here--

not next to the gray, lumpy couch

that was there first.

Only now, we're too tired

and it's too big

to move out

alone.

And then we hear your whispers--

Stop. Be still.

Undo what has been done.

After all,

you hate gray.

And then wait, instead,

in trust.

We may not remember your lamp, but we know

it will coordinate --

you will coordinate--

with music and color and comfort--

so for now

we must line the walls of our hearts with trust

and curl up on trust and leave space to sometimes dance

with trust.

Because your lamp shines in the Father's house--

in the room you've already prepared--

and you are dancing in its light

waiting, untroubled,

for us.